2012

When a new year comes around, people often reflect on the previous year.  They then make new goals or New Year resolutions for the current year.  My motto is why wait.  When you think about it, how many people ever accomplish their New Year resolutions.  Most likely a simple date change doesn’t really change much of anything.  I’ve come to the conclusion that people do it because of hope.  Hope that with more time, we’ll less likely to screw things up or with more time we can recover or fix whatever.  It’s a nice thought, but usually with more time, people just procrastinate.  This is why people made deadlines.

My New Year wasn’t so great.  I received news that a friend had passed away right on New Year’s day.  He had been struggling with leukemia for a couple years now.  Part of me hoped that he would of beaten the odds since he was on experimental drugs and was starting to look better.  He passed away at the age of 30.    I do really feel like when his light gone out, the world is a bit of a darker place.  It’s just a loss that can be felt.  It didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes, had high morales, nice, and is an overachiever.  What I feel is actually guilt.  Guilt that someone like him has such a short time on this Earth and here I am.  Somehow because I’m able to be here that I have to make it count.  Guilt that I didn’t learn from last time.  See he’s not the only friend that I ever lost.  In 2000,  I lost a friend who passed at the age of 18.  Although, this friend passed because of bad choices he made.  It was a shame because he was gifted with natural talents.  Now I know you can’t change a person, but I knew I could remove him from the situation that day.  Maybe it would of only delay the inevitable, but the fact that I didn’t try will always stay with me.  That I somehow talked myself out of it due to pride, logic etc when my gut told me differently.  It always costs me when I don’t listen to my gut.  12 years later I not only got my gut, but the obvious fact that yea he does have this sickness.  Part of me said I’m respecting his space since he never really talked about being sick with anyone and the other part just doesn’t care.  Maybe it work out just the way he planned because even though his wake was broadcast at 10:30am, it somehow worked out that the casket was closed at like 10:00am so many didn’t get to see him.  My cousin had said at least we’ll have a pretty memory of him.  It does seem like something he would want to preserve.

This guilt is a fleeting feeling because I know it’s in the past and the past is done with.  It does stay with me as an invisible tattoo to others, but a clear memory to me so that I may deal with the present.  I now can embrace being me.  There were some things I think I deny to myself because of outside influence and my own mind playing with me, but when you keep things simple then I believe you can be true.  Sometime we just look for answers and explainations right then and there, but if we had all the answers then there is nothing to learn.  I might not be able to explain a complex idea like is there a God, but I can notice certain things happening and what works.  This is what always lead us to answers that we do not yet know.  We begin with an observation and then we connect the dots.  It then lead us on a whole new adventure.